Stormy on the inside…
It’s a dark, stormy morning and I am thankful for the chance to stay in bed reading my book. It is supposed to be like this all weekend and it’s perfect for me. It’s been a long, frustrating week and I have not done well at making good choices for me. My friend, who is travelling the world, mentioned in an email to me that when she is in survival mode, she focuses on “taking good care of me, just once decision at a time. What to eat, what to focus on, what to share, what to do”. Sounds like sound advice to me.
It’s the perfect weather for me to make the soups that I will be needing for the next few weeks as I re-establish my eating plan – I don’t want to put the 19kg I lost back on with bad food choices. This is one thing I can do to help myself in my food choices in the days ahead.
I have to leave the comfort of home to get my rye bread, which I can only buy on a Saturday. I am thankful that I can do this before the shopping centre gets busy as only the bakery and supermarkets are open this early. I am in and out before it gets busy. Getting home, I pack away the groceries and decide to head out for a walk.
It’s raining steadily and I’m thankful I no longer have to wear glasses. I am in turmoil, conflicted – have been all week. I take no notice of the path I take, my thoughts swirling. My tears, mixed with the rain, stream down my face. I am stuck! The answers to the questions that have come up in the past week will potentially affect every aspect of my life. I have been avoiding thinking about them for days – making excuses for why I can’t face them – afraid of the answers. I am not sleeping well so that tactic is clearly not working.
I return home, dripping wet and cold. I take a hot shower to warm up. Now I am watching rugby, drinking a cup of tea dressed in my new Batman pants, sweatshirt and ugg boots. Two lots of soup are cooking and my special sauce is made – the aromas coming for the kitchen are so good. The wind has picked up, it’s still raining and my internal storm rages on.
Another thing my friend said comes to mind:
“I think part of being human is to be inconsistent at times, falling short of our ideal values and the more we can be kind to ourselves when that happens, with compassion and humour and a preparedness to like ourselves in spite of the impact of our actions ( no matter what our intention) and resist being defensive, being open and open to possibility while taking good care of ourselves, the more freedom I think we will feel.”
I know I am falling short of my ideal values and the things I have on my mind may cause me to do so even more. I am determined to be honest though, to stop avoiding the issues. But for now, it’s time for lunch and some of that newly finished soup.