It’s a gift not a curse…
“What if you look at this current situation you’re in as a gift?” she said. “A gift” I say incredulously? What do you mean?
Let me try to explain she replies. Through your life, you have been through many times when you have not been able to truly express your feelings or direct your anger where it should be directed. You have internalised your emotions, turned your anger in on yourself. Now you have the opportunity to direct your anger at injustice, at where it should be directed instead of internalising it.
It has given me a lot of food for thought. I have so much rage inside me and seemingly no outlet. When I do something clumsy, I berate myself and have even been known to smack myself in the head with frustration. A friend of mine once told me that under anger there is always another emotion – I need to identify what that is and deal with that emotion. I understand the truth of that but sometimes, like now, I am just angry and don’t want to explore the other emotion because maybe, just maybe, it means I have to change or face an uncomfortable truth.
I have become aware lately that I am letting other people’s behaviour define who I am – how dumb is that? That’s giving them too much power over me – it’s their stuff not mine. Instead of feeling worthless, I have to remember that I matter – maybe not to my boss or the company that employs me – but to those who love me, to those I support, to myself most of all.
So back to this ‘gift’ I have before me right now. I have set up a punch bag at home and am using it to get rid of some of the rage before I look beneath the surface and see what the underlying emotion is. I am taking a step back from leadership at work and becoming one of the minions again. I am trying to remember not to let others define who I am. I so don’t want to waste this gift – this opportunity to heal. So while I may shed a few tears along the way, hammer the punch bag into submission, make adjustments, I will unwrap this gift with gratitude for the opportunity to get better.
So thanks M and C for the gift…