Ups and downs…
These past few weeks have been very mixed – lots of highs and lows. It started when there were 3 bomb scares – 2 of them near my office in the city and one on route to the city from my office in Subiaco. Fortunately I was working from home that day – as I do once a week to help me better manage my stress
I was in quite a state to say the least. With many tears, I could not face the thought of going into the city the next day. I had meetings I had to attend and not showing up was not an option if I wanted to keep my job. I felt like such a wimp and that I should not be reacting this way but these kinds of things are way up there – about 9 or 10 – on my stress meter
I have narrowly missed bombs a few times in my life – at least 4 occasions – the closest one being when I was at the movies and the movie house next to mine was bombed. My place of work was bombed – thankfully we were not there at the time. So as much progress as I have made over the last past 10 months, these events put me back in a state of high alert
My therapist said she would be surprised if I had not reacted and gave me a safe space to deal with the emotion. She has reinforced my mindfulness exercises and gave me something to consider going forward. I am so grateful for the wisdom she passes on to me. It took much prayer and encouragement to get me back to work and the city in particular – but I did it. I felt pathetic that some friends and family were congratulating me and saying ‘well done’ for going to work but appreciate that they understand that, for me, it was an achievement
A year ago I stepped down from leading the singing in church. I was having panic attacks some days in church and could never predict when one might hit. This past week, I led again. I was terrified but used some of the tools I have been given to calm down and continue. It may take a while for me to feel comfortable but it’s progress
I know I just have to get up more times than I fall down. I am learning how to take care of me, and to have time-outs in my day to get perspective back; to take slow deep breaths; to change my thoughts. I am exceedingly thankful for the people I have in my life who help in this journey – I feel like I don’t deserve some of them but am glad for the part they play in my life.