Friday I had one of the worst cases of anxiety I have had in a long time. Working in the city, I am usually in early and leave early so as to avoid the crowds and various other triggers. Friday was not a usual day though – I was at work by 5:45 and would usually be done by 3 but had to stay longer. It was closer to six when I started to make my way home.
I walked out of the building and it hit me. I started shaking, felt like I would pass out, hyper ventilating, tight chest. I sat down trying to calm down but knew I was in trouble. Sobbing and with trembling hands, I sent a text to a friend saying I was in trouble and didn’t know if I could drive home. Thankfully she was able to make contact with another friend, who was still in the city, and arrange for them to drive me and my car home.
She called me and stayed on the phone with me until he arrived, talking to me and getting me to take deep breaths. This hit me out of the blue and I was scared by the intensity especially as I have been doing so much better of late. Yes, I have been anxious, but not like this. And it exhausted me.
I went to bed early and spent most or the weekend resting. I stayed in bed Saturday morning and read a book. Did pretty much the same on Sunday. I had planned to write a couple of blog posts and work on my book over the weekend but could not summon the will or energy to do either.
Today it’s Monday and the start of a new work week. When I got in my car this morning, my chest began to close in that all familiar sensation but I pushed through. I took some deep breaths, put on some music I could sing to and set off. I am happy to say I survived and will do it all again tomorrow. Taking it moment by moment, being mindful of what I can see, hear, taste, touch, smell.
I am thankful that I have people around me I can call on in times of trouble and grateful that, this time, I remembered to call out for help. I don’t consider Friday a failure, just another bump in the road. It didn’t kill me and I am getting stronger.