I get up early again after not much sleep – the aftermath of yet another panic attack! I am weary and lethargic. I cannot get into my office this morning as they disabled my old keycard before giving me a new one – sigh!
I walk to my little haven, but unlike most days, am unable to appreciate it as much this morning – I leave my sunnies on and my headphones in – there is a song playing about peace and hope – I am low on both this morning. I keep walking knowing, if nothing else, the endorphins will do me good! I am spent and wonder how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like I’ve gotten worse these past few weeks.
I look across the park almost unseeing – a flock of ducks arrive and skid across the surface of the pond – I barely see them. I miss the flowers, the beauty of my surroundings. My legs feel heavy as I walk the circuit around the pond again and again.
Today, as I climb the stairs, my knee hurts and I wonder if it’s mental. ‘Come on’ I scream silently inside – get out of this funk. I have so much to be thankful for but can’t even think of one thing right now -1 am too tired to expend the mental energy.
On the way back to the office a guy on his bike rides towards me and before he passes he gives me the biggest smile and a cheery ‘good morning’ – a spark – a responding smile – I am lifting. I pick a random frangipani flower up from the pavement and deeply breathe in its fragrance – lift a little more. By the time I get back, someone is there to let me in and I am looking for things to smile about. I cannot give up…