Solo Survivor

Finished

I awaken this morning and notice a shift. It seems like I have spent the last fifty odd years fighting for my very survival in one form or another. But today, all the fight has left me. I have no energy left.it just seems all so meaningless, pointless. I am tired and have no will to continue. Thriving seems to be an impossible dream.

I am a complete mess! Tears are flowing; there is no incentive to get out of bed. I have no will to go on. Nothing interests me – usually I can distract myself, or find something to help shift me from this space – today I have nothing. I can’t concentrate to read or even watch TV. I don’t even have the energy to be anxious – I am numb.

5 Comments

  1. Tracy

    Hi Su, I never knew you had this space. I never knew you suffered such stuff. I can in some small way relate to being TOLD by others who have not gone through what you have, what to do about it. They don’t have a clue. And in terms of your pain, I also don’t have a clue.
    All I can say is God says He is there for us, always. I don’t like reading Job but I remember after reading it once I realized that the Lord wanted me to get to that place, that if I lose everything, if how I feel right now is what my life will be, that I would be content because HE is all I need.
    I also felt strongly reading here and the previous post, you are trying to fix you. And Su, you can’t! Only God can. You have to surrender everything to Him and praise Him and thank Him for overcoming even when you don’t feel you are overcoming. When you realize you are in the throws of a panic attack, in that moment, don’t try fix it, don’t try to smile and wave! He would have you be real, and praise Him. And He will change you from the inside.

    I think we know these things but it’s not so easy to put into practice because we are trained to “do” and strive for affection, love, success, attention. But God always works opposite to what we think.

    Praying for you Su.
    God bless
    Tracy

    Reply
    1. fordisky (Post author)

      Thanks Tracy – you are right of course – I can’t fix me and God knows I’ve tried.
      I am done pretending now. I really needed to hear this so thanks – I know it will get better
      perhaps I needed to get to the end of my hope first to truly begin the process of healing God’s way.
      Thanks for the prayers – need them now more than ever

      Su xx

      Reply
  2. Angie Van Greuning

    Oh my friend! Reading this breaks my heart. Please Lord will you hold my friend so tight and so close and let her experience your peace, hope, love and give her the will to go on Lord, we all in our own ways have days where we just can’t go on. But Lord, You promise us that at the end of ourselves is the beginning of you! Please come to my friends rescue and be all she needs you to be! In Jesus name! I am going to email you one or two songs my friend! Try let worship flood your soul. I have no answers bug God has. Love you more than you could comprehend! Ang xxx

    Reply
  3. Stacey

    Beautiful Su,an idea from someone I know that used to have days where she was in a ball under the coffee table, well she got a journal. Every time she had a good verse, saying, thought, ect, she would write it down. Then when she was in her really darn moments , she would read the journal. Love u Su , and have some wonderful memories with you, with the giant slide and jumping castle. Hang in there precious child of God.xo

    Reply
    1. fordisky (Post author)

      Thanks Stacey – that is a really good idea.

      Reply

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