Solo Survivor

GRIEF

My soul is heavy. I have grief upon grief upon grief. I feel like I am drowning in tears. My mind continually goes back to simpler, happier times as I remember those I have lost. Sometimes I smile, I cry, and even laugh out loud and cry some more. Memories are bittersweet as I realise there will be no new ones with this person. Time interrupted cruelly by death.

4 years ago, this season of loss began. I had no time to process one before the next one – family, friends – leaving my heart battered, unable to get up before the next hit came. Each death pushing me further away from others and deeper into solitude until I find myself no longer engaging in the world around me. It’s all become too hard, too painful. I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. There seems to be no end in sight but through I must go.

This cocoon of aloneness is a dark place with very few moments of light or energy. I am exhausted and it takes too much effort to do much more than exist right now. I know it is just a season and it’s a journey not a destination; this is just a stop along the way. The sun will shine again someday or at least I hope it will.

I want to protect my heart, but is that what’s best for me? That simply means excluding so much – community, joy, laughter, love. But I need respite, a little time to regroup, cat my breath, heal.

Grief is such an individual thing while still being a shared experience. I’ve been told we need to grieve well, but how do you do that? Grief must be acknowledged but you still need to live in your new reality – much easier said than done. After all, what is normal now? I don’t have answers. To be honest, I am not even looking for them. As the good book says, weeping lasts for a night but joy comes in the morning. However, no-one told me how long the night can be!

2 Comments

  1. Sharon Woods

    My friend I feel for you. Read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying. Some incredible insights that may be helpful.

    Reply
  2. Sharon Woods

    There’s also grief and grieving by the same author

    Reply

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