{"id":411,"date":"2019-06-10T10:49:59","date_gmt":"2019-06-10T10:49:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/solosurvior.com\/?p=411"},"modified":"2019-06-10T10:51:47","modified_gmt":"2019-06-10T10:51:47","slug":"unmasking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/solosurvior.com\/?p=411","title":{"rendered":"Unmasking…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Over the past year or 14 months, I have been going through a dramatic change personally. It\u2019s hard to put into words exactly, but this song by Lauren Daigle says it well: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve been an actor on a stage
Playing a role I have to play
I’m getting tired, it’s safe to say
Living behind a masquerade
No more performing out of fear
I’m trying to keep my conscience clear
It all seems so insincere<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been reading a couple of books that changed things for me and made me aware of how little of me was real. I ended up questioning everything – relationships, family connections, my faith – all of it. What was real and what was learned behaviour? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The book, Present over Perfect was the catalyst as I began to realise how many masks I had perfected over the years, to the point where I no longer knew who I really was and what my values were. In my quest to be acceptable and belong, I learned how I was supposed to behave and react and even feel – this is what a daughter does or what a sibling does. This is how an employee is supposed to be. This is how a friend should be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I learned things about myself – some good, some not so nice – and began to own my truth. It is hard to face up to the fact the a to of your life has been built on lie. I came to understand that I had been spent the best part of my existence ashamed- of who I am, of what was in my past. I thought if people really knew me and my past they would walk away so I successfully kept people at arms length. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second book was The Choice by Edith Eger. I learned that I have built a prison for my self with all the walls I put up. In an attempt to be safe, I was merely surviving and not living. Every single day we are faced with a myriad of choices. We are free to choose how we react, behave etc. But we are not free from the consequences of our choices. I learned about forgiveness and this set me on a path of forgiveness that has been life changing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This has lead to a journey of personal discovery that has been painful at times, but so incredibly freeing in that I no longer need my masks. All my personnas are merging into one that is real. Are there things I wish I could change? Sure. But I am learning to forgive myself and all those from my past that did me harm. I am getting better at stopping the past from intruding into my present. I no longer believe the PTSD is a life sentence – I can live without the constant fear and anxiety that has been my companion for decades. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things that used to be so important to me, no longer are. The future does not look like I thought it would but I know I will be ok. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I could not have got to this stage alone and am so thankful for my tribe – people who have stood by me, encouraged, prayed for, admonished, cajoled, taught; for those who have given me new skills in place of the ones I had relied on to survive. I know I am so different now and am thankful for the help I have received along the way. Truly life is better together. I am no longer closed and am letting people into my life and heart. I have a ways to go, but am looking forward to thriving knowing I am not alone as I take each baby step to health.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Over the past year or 14 months, I have been going through a dramatic change personally. It\u2019s hard to put into words exactly, but this song by Lauren Daigle says it well: I’ve been an actor on a stage Playing…
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