It’s a gift not a curse…
“What if you look at this current situation you’re in as a gift?” she said. “A gift” I say incredulously? What do you mean?
Let me try to explain she replies. Through your life, you have been through many times when you have not been able to truly express your feelings or direct your anger where it should be directed. You have internalised your emotions, turned your anger in on yourself. Now you have the opportunity to direct your anger at injustice, at where it should be directed instead of internalising it.
It has given me a lot of food for thought. I have so much rage inside me and seemingly no outlet. When I do something clumsy, I berate myself and have even been known to smack myself in the head with frustration. A friend of mine once told me that under anger there is always another emotion – I need to identify what that is and deal with that emotion. I understand the truth of that but sometimes, like now, I am just angry and don’t want to explore the other emotion because maybe, just maybe, it means I have to change or face an uncomfortable truth.
I have become aware lately that I am letting other people’s behaviour define who I am – how dumb is that? That’s giving them too much power over me – it’s their stuff not mine. Instead of feeling worthless, I have to remember that I matter – maybe not to my boss or the company that employs me – but to those who love me, to those I support, to myself most of all.
So back to this ‘gift’ I have before me right now. I have set up a punch bag at home and am using it to get rid of some of the rage before I look beneath the surface and see what the underlying emotion is. I am taking a step back from leadership at work and becoming one of the minions again. I am trying to remember not to let others define who I am. I so don’t want to waste this gift – this opportunity to heal. So while I may shed a few tears along the way, hammer the punch bag into submission, make adjustments, I will unwrap this gift with gratitude for the opportunity to get better.
So thanks M and C for the gift…
Wow! I didn’t know I had missed out on so many awesome blogs from you because of being in so much pain.
I must admit, the hardest part in letting others define us, is when my step children, the one who is married, and her husband, have no clue of what Frikkie and I are dealing with daily!
They have a young and immature outlook on what it’s like to have lived life a bit longer than them, and they think they know everything.
And because they Frikkie’s children and our precious grandchildren, I have always tried so very hard to be the 2nd mom/step mom, in a way that makes them feel loved.
But no matter what! Being a step mom, especially when the children don’t have the memories of growing up and all we did and the fun we had etc.
My chronuc illness has caused them to judge me. And push me aside. So 3 months or more ago, I told them that they will not dishonour Frikkie and I again. And that I realize that I have being trying to hard.
So i said that I will no longer run after them for their love and acceptance. And that i release them from having to pretend they want me!
Since then we have seen the grandchildren 3 times, except when we see them at church. And we have had no family visits to them or from them.
I have invited them for a few things, but they always can’t make it.
And I have cried many tears, cause I really do love them dearly!
So I have to daily hand it over to God. Which I do!
I think I need a punching bag! Hehe! It hurts me when they hurt my man! That I can’t deal with! So I don’t keep quiet. Frikkie just takes it all in and he releases it when we together.
So i am a work in progress and I ask uou to pray my special Su!
I daily think of and pray for you special friend. And long to just sit and chat with you! You make such a huge difference in my life! And I love you do much!
Forever!
Ang
Xxx