Solo Survivor

All smashed up…and whole again – the car is at least

Car (3)

I recently had an accident on my way to work. I was cut off by an impatient person in a white panel van who did not seem to notice they had forced me into a barrier. What is it about getting behind the wheel that causes a metamorphosis of a normal human being into a raving lunatic? I, myself, am not immune to this. My car was all smashed up and I was in shock but otherwise fairly unhurt – for which I am grateful. It was early in the morning, cold, dark and raining. My car was pretty wrecked. Not a pretty sight at all.

Thankfully my insurance covered most of it and after two weeks in the shop, I got it back looking brand new. The whole week after getting the car back, the conditions were the same on my drive to work as the day of the accident. To say it was nerve-wracking is to understate how I felt. I find myself driving in the slow lane these days and just letting the madness go on by. I put soothing music on as I drive and try not to get aggravated. I keep a bigger distance than normal between me and the car in front – I am probably over-cautious at the moment. And of course i try to stay clear of panel vans.

The annoying thing is my car is bright yellow so very easy to see even in dim conditions and yet everyday I have people darting out in front of me, forcing me to brake to avoid a collision, or cutting me off. I want to scream – I am not invisible people!

There are parallels to my life to my smashed up Bumblebee. Maybe not visible to the eye, but I am pretty smashed up and in need of repair but I fear it will take a lot longer than two weeks to accomplish. I am battered and bruised emotionally, mentally – and the damage is deep. I have scars that may never totally heal and some that have faded with time. I have been on this journey to wholeness for almost a year now. I have made progress and then regressed again but I am not in the same spot I was a year ago.

I cry, have periods of hopelessness, get anxious or panicky, get angry and shout, but I also laugh and have moments of hope. My friend says to me ‘keep noticing the moments when you are thriving’, and I realise that they may only be moments scattered here and there through my week, but I do have them. So now I am trying to make sure I take note of them and appreciate them when they come. I am thankful for each little victory, no mater how tiny. I am looking forward to a time when I will be thriving more than surviving. Here’s to a few more dents being knocked out – I will never surrender…

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