What a difference a week makes…
A week ago I was leading in church after a year off. I didn’t feel totally ready, but afterwards felt a sense of achievement. I felt like I was making progress, and honestly, that was progress. I was beginning to feel the worst was behind me. Fast forward to today – same time, same place.
Today, I had a panic attack. What triggered it? No idea. I went through a number of my strategies but it took longer than I thought it would to calm down. When I got home I crawled into my bed and cried. I hate feeling this way. It’s exhausting. Afterwards I end making bad food choices because I don’t have the energy to care for me like I should.
I know I am not where I was a year ago when I first sought help, but neither am where I hoped to be. Brene Brown says the owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do. I think I’ve got the owning down, it’s the loving myself through the process that I’m not so good at. I tend to beat up on myself and consider I have failed.
Some days the energy it takes to keep moving forward is more than I have. So I switch to auto-pilot- feelings off, emotions off, thoughts off. But I want to do more than just survive so I will dust myself off and try again tomorrow.