Solo Survivor

Random thoughts of a sleep deprived blogger

Thought bubble

Lately when I get in my car to go to and from work, I tell myself “it’s not a competition, it’s not a race”. Before I started doing this, I found myself getting frazzled in my daily commute. I would get angry at the antics of some of my fellow travellers and arrive stressed and needing time to calm down. Now I arrive fairly relaxed and ready for the day. I have also changed my route. Instead of fighting my way down the freeway, I now take the back roads and they are almost deserted on the way in to the office. It’s been a good, healthy change I think. The afternoon commute is still busy but my new mantra is keeping me calm and largely unaffected by others in the traffic.

My sleep problem has not improved much lately – if anything it is worse. Some nights I only get one or two hours of sleep. I tried a new medication but it’s difficult to get the dosage right without being in a haze the next day. I keep reminding myself I have survived this before and will again. Getting through some days is harder than others. I frequently find myself overwhelmed and close to tears. If you ask me why I feel tearful, most times I can’t tell you – I cannot put it into words.

I had a conversation with my brother recently – over an hour long – and it’s the first time I realised he totally understood me and where I was at and I felt I understood him a little better too. I had no idea we were both experiencing a really difficult issue in our lives. We both cried on the phone and he reminded me he loved me before hanging up. I cannot express what that conversation did for me – thanks bro. my recent interactions with my siblings has made me realise how disengaged I really am and how little I actually know about their struggles. I never used to be like this but know I have very little emotional energy.

At the beginning of the year, I vowed to laugh more – to be intentional about finding things to make me smile or laugh out loud – and I succeeded the first couple of months but little by little as I entered full on survival mode again, I have forgotten to smile, to find humour. All my energy is going into making it through each day. So feel free to send me your funnies as a reminder that laughter really is medicine.

I have realised of late that I spend a lot of time saying ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ instead of just going ahead and doing. I have a friend who talks about – and practices – living intentionally. I have been hanging around her for a few weeks and have found myself challenged by her outlook on life. Her life is not complicated and she is at peace – I am envious. I have another friend who, no matter where in the world she is or what the weather, will find a nice spot each morning to do her exercises and meditation. She is one of the most balanced people I know and I have to wonder if the way she starts her days plays a part in that.

I like this Latin phrase – Dum vivimus vivamus – while we live, let us live. I need to do that more…

1 Comment

  1. Angie

    Oh my precious Su!
    I just LOVE your blogs! You are so real and so honest and you speak deeply into my heart and I am sure into the hearts of many! I love what you said about your conversation with your brother. And you so right! I too have been in survival mode, just barely getting through each day! And I don’t see my brother just younger than me enough! And we both positive people, so we touch on things but then both always get to finding the hope in that situation! Sometimes though, I think it’s important to have real heart to hearts and share the real raw emotions of what we going through!

    You are such an inspiration to me Su my precious friend! I pray for you daily! And care about you deeply!

    I know that therer are people looking at your life in the same way as you looking at your two friends lives, and feeling the same way as you! Your raw honesty, your love, your smile, your deeply impacting blogs, just simply who you are my friend! Your life matters! And you have value far beyond what you can imagine!

    I thank you once again for this deeply touching honest blog!! You truly are a hero to me Su!

    Hugs and love!
    An gie
    Nb: Praying for you to sleep properly!

    Reply

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