Solo Survivor

Setback or progress?


About five years ago, I began to sleep without a nightlight for the first time. It was huge. I could actually sleep in a darkened room unafraid. Now I am back to using a nightlight. I have been getting little sleep these past few months, due to nightmares and flashbacks, so I resorted to using my nightlight again. It reminds of the words in Amy Grant’s song ‘Ask me’.  (Still she leaves the light burning in the hall, it’s hard to sleep at all)

Coincidently, my sister Lorna, messaged me to say she thought I should try a nightlight after a message she heard at church. The timing was amazing as I had just started using one again. I love that she cares enough to suggest it.

To be honest, I have felt like this is a step backwards – and yes, I shed a few tears – but I need to sleep so am doing it anyway. After talking to my therapist, it got me thinking about whether it really is a step backwards or if it is just another level in my recovery. Not sure I have the answer right now, but I am doing what I must do to make the days more bearable. She does not want me to try anti-anxiety meds until after my leave (which starts next week) to see if the 5 weeks away from work will have an affect. I am hoping the time off does as I don’t want to take meds if I can avoid it.

Sometimes taking a step back allows you to move forward again so maybe this is all that is – I am hoping so as I work towards being able to switch the nightlight off again.


  1. Angie

    My precious Su!

    I just love your honest and real blog! You my hero my friend!

    You know what came to mind as you spoke of your night light?

    When I used to run 100m athletics for Western Province, in order to get a really fast and strong start, I had to “step back” into my starting blocks. And I had a 100m sprint Western Province record that apparently stood for 15 years! That day I remember darting out of my starting blocks, just as the gun went off. And I was out before anyone.

    Your night light also made me think of a bow and arrow, and how the bow has to be pulled back as far as possible, in order for it to go further!

    So I don’t think it’s a negative step back, but a positive one, that will bring results that will thrust you forward! And let’s be honest, no sleep will only worsen how you feeling.

    So I see it as you taking responsibility for your own healing and putting things in place for this to be accelerated!

    So I say!! Well done dear friend! And I love you very, very much!

    Hugs and love!

  2. Sharon

    Rewriting the post as it disappeared when trying to post it.
    My friend, see the nightlight as Jesus. He is our light in everything. Every time you look at the night light see it as Him. His reflection for you. He is our guiding light, He is the one who leads us, He is the one who is there for us no matter what. Keep your eyes on that light and let it shine through you. Love you xx


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