Solo Survivor > PTSD > Random thoughts of a sleep deprived blogger

Random thoughts of a sleep deprived blogger

Author: fordisky July 18, 2016 1 Comment

Lately when I get in my car to go to and from work, I tell myself “it’s not a competition, it’s not a race”. Before I started doing this, I found myself getting frazzled in my daily commute. I would get angry at the antics of some of my fellow travellers and arrive stressed and needing time to calm down. Now I arrive fairly relaxed and ready for the day. I have also changed my route. Instead of fighting my way down the freeway, I now take the back roads and they are almost deserted on the way in to the office. It’s been a good, healthy change I think. The afternoon commute is still busy but my new mantra is keeping me calm and largely unaffected by others in the traffic.

My sleep problem has not improved much lately – if anything it is worse. Some nights I only get one or two hours of sleep. I tried a new medication but it’s difficult to get the dosage right without being in a haze the next day. I keep reminding myself I have survived this before and will again. Getting through some days is harder than others. I frequently find myself overwhelmed and close to tears. If you ask me why I feel tearful, most times I can’t tell you – I cannot put it into words.

I had a conversation with my brother recently – over an hour long – and it’s the first time I realised he totally understood me and where I was at and I felt I understood him a little better too. I had no idea we were both experiencing a really difficult issue in our lives. We both cried on the phone and he reminded me he loved me before hanging up. I cannot express what that conversation did for me – thanks bro. my recent interactions with my siblings has made me realise how disengaged I really am and how little I actually know about their struggles. I never used to be like this but know I have very little emotional energy.

At the beginning of the year, I vowed to laugh more – to be intentional about finding things to make me smile or laugh out loud – and I succeeded the first couple of months but little by little as I entered full on survival mode again, I have forgotten to smile, to find humour. All my energy is going into making it through each day. So feel free to send me your funnies as a reminder that laughter really is medicine.

I have realised of late that I spend a lot of time saying ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ instead of just going ahead and doing. I have a friend who talks about – and practices – living intentionally. I have been hanging around her for a few weeks and have found myself challenged by her outlook on life. Her life is not complicated and she is at peace – I am envious. I have another friend who, no matter where in the world she is or what the weather, will find a nice spot each morning to do her exercises and meditation. She is one of the most balanced people I know and I have to wonder if the way she starts her days plays a part in that.

I like this Latin phrase – Dum vivimus vivamus – while we live, let us live. I need to do that more…